I just want my old life back /)_(\

Hey Everyone

I guess you could call this a "Lessons of Jamaa" post

Well recently y'all probly know about what happened with Gingerpawz's post, which absolutely broke my heart, to be honest. I hate how she says that I was just using her, I truly wasn't trying to, but to her, all the evidence added up. 

I remember when I met her, in coral canyons, right on the stairs. I was walking across to the top of the bridge, and I saw this pink and purple bunny with a top hat walk by. I clicked her, and I somewhat recognized her username. I rudely asked, "What for your top hat?" and she stopped, and replied, "Oh sorry, It's not for trade, It was a gift." I was shocked, that someone could of been that generous to give someone else a top hat. I asked from who, and she replied that WitchHatBunny (LoveLost) had given it to her. At the time, I had just discovered May's blog, and I was a fan of it. "Really? You know her?" I questioned Ginger. 

"Yes, she is my good friend." Ginger replied.

I sent a buddy request to her, and she added me. We ended up going to her den and socializing a bit. I guess I made the impression that I just wanted her for Lovelost, but I truly did not, I don't know if you guys would ever believe me, but I promise to Mira, and to my God, Jesus Christ that I truly thought she was a good jammer. She eventually told me that I was the only one she would introduce LoveLost too, and I felt honored. The next day, I came online, and saw Gingerpawz was in Love's den, and I sent a jamagram to her. LoveLost unlocked her den, and I came in to see ginger said, "Someone wants to see you.. :)" I came in, Ginger introduced me, and LoveLost sent me a blue skull helmet, which was rare at the time. I felt accepted, and I wanted to get to know both of them a little more.

I hung out with Ginger more and more, for a few months I considered her my best friend. I told her everything, and she was understanding and polite. But deep in my heart, I knew I wasn't her best friend at all. It kinda saddened me at times, but I knew how close her and LoveLost were and I knew I couldn't break their friendship and I was never trying to, I promise you guys that. She would always talk about how close her and LoveLost were, sometimes it irked me, but I just admired her, wondering if sometime I would gain her trust, or have a friend that understanding. Every now and then, ginger would hint that she thought I was just using her to get to LoveLost, I tried to assured her that I wasn't, but I knew I was failing, I could never convince her that I liked her for her own self. I started to hang out with more of her friends, including Spino11, Greatshot, Goofy8966, and trickertreee. They were very nice, and I always felt so unperfect compared to them. They always typed so nicely, capital letters, and had very nice blogs. All of them seemed so close, and they all understood each other so clearly. I felt like the oddball. I wanted to be just like them, I felt I needed to change. I tried to be more like them, I wanted to be accepted by them, it seemed they had no drama, compared to all my friends hooked up with rares and dating and gossiping. I tried to be more like them, but in my heart I knew I was failing. I was never invited into 'GingerpawzHideout' den when all of them would be in there. 

Everything started to go downhill when IIIIIIIL came back to Jamaa. Late one night, I went to visit Gingerpawz. She was hanging out with this crazy looking, quite rare, jammer. She was talking to him, telling him how Glad she was that she found him. I eventually figured out that LoveLost had traded him, and wanted to tradeback. The jammer, nicknamed "L" was interested in my Red Top Hat because he wanted to have the whole collection. The three of us began discussing what he had, which included three tan carpets that I was interested in. Tan carpets were highly rare then, and he overtraded me one for my Red top hat, which he ended up giving to Gingerpawz. It was a wild night! I was thrilled! Over the next few days, I hung out with Ginger and L more. One time, L traded me his favorite brown beard that Snowy mentioned her in post from yesterday. I didn't know how sensitive he was to this beard, either. I traded the beard, he found out, and was very frusterated. I ended up getting the beard back, and trading it to him for less then half of what it was worth. I lost all of his trust, and even more of Ginger's. I really regret that.. we had so much potential to be friends. He was then convinced I was only using him for rares. >.<

More and more L said he was quitting because people including VisualEffects wouldn't trade him back.

Anyways, we'll come back to the L story.
One day, I went to see Ginger in the Deep Blue and she was talking to Snowyclaw. I said hi a few friends there, sent snowy a buddy request, and left to play Eat 'Em Up. I knew snowy didn't accept my request, until in the middle of the game a little sign popped up saying 'snowyclaw is now your buddy'. I'm not one of the people who awe over famous people, but I was kinda surprised since I had never met snowy before that time, and I figured with as popular as blog as hers, she most likely has a packed buddy list. Me and snowy didn't really talk for a few weeks, or maybe months, I can't really remember.. But beginning in May, and over the summer, we became really close. Every night we stayed up until 2am, in our secret den, talking about everything. I was shocked to discover that someone had so much to hide, so many similar opinions as I, and that I wasn't really that alone. Many people don't know Snowy like I do. She, too, felt alone and hiding behind a mask. She felt like an oddball, and together we became tight, and made us stronger and more confident. When our schedules became tighter, we wrote lengthy emails about everything, in real life drama, and gave advice. Eventually I became a spirit jammer, then an author on her blog, which at first I felt honored, but now I've abused the privilege and skipped some days, I've only posted about 5 times in the past two months, I'm sorry, Snow.  Now that doesn't really happen as much. We don't really write emails, or hangout, or talk that much. I still love her as a friend, and I know we're still close, though. Snowy mentioned her in post about L, and I kept trying to help her, but LoveLost and Ginger are protective of him. >_< I guess it seemed I only wanted snowy for fame, since "I couldn't win with Lovelost and Ginger with my 'evil plan'" but really, I just wanted to be accepted.

I truly miss the times that I was passionate about blogging and video making. I miss the times when I was trading so much, and I was able to poor my heart out in these posts. I'm not trying to sound cocky, but I miss the times when I had so much fanmail and people always wanted to be my buddy. It's a good feeling for awhile, knowing you're wanted, instead of people cursing that you're still playing on AJ, a game you once loved... 

I kinda covered up the truth, saying I had a writers block, and other interests. Let's just say I've been struggling in real life, and it's frustrating, I don't really wanna bring it into the AJ world, some things just don't mix together. 

I'm deeply sorry for being rude to some people, but these haters were just the icing on the cake, and It's gotten so bad I've just been thinking of secretly switching again, and starting all over, from the very very very beginning with friends, blogging, and being fake, pretending I know nothing. 

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, I just wanted my old  AJ life back /)_(\

~r.i./goldy/free