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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Lessons of Jamaa & the World #34 (I think): Things that happen to Anyone Else (My Story)

Well, hi everyone! I'm MisterChunkybuddy. It's been like 2.5 years since I last posted on this blog. Crazy to think about it, right? I've 99% quitted AJ and AJ blogging, but here is a post about something non-AJ related.
Anyway, I've been thinking about writing this post for quite a while, and now I've finally decided to do it, although I might take it down sometime because it is pretty personal and, I must admit, hard to share.
I'm warning you, this is only partly a Lessons of Jamaa, it's mostly story about something that happened to me in real life.
Well, about the title. You know the things that happen to Anyone Else? There are lots of them, different for each person, because of course, when one happens to you (and it does, because for other people YOU are anyone else) it stops being something that happens to everyone else and it simply becomes something that happened to you, or a fact about your life.
Some of them are pretty good. Winning the lottery, becoming famous, winning a contest/prize... (Of course, these things have it's pros and its cons, and might not be as fantastic as they seem, but that's another topic.)
But some of them are really bad. Having a car/plane/train/etc accident. Living in serious poverty. Committing suicide.
And the thing they have in common is happen to Anyone Else. You know about them, you've seen  them happen around you or heard of them, but often you don't think of them happening to you as probable, maybe not even possible.
Well, I hope you know what I mean because I don't know if I am explaining myself well.
And now, a pretty personal story about how one of these things happened to me. Sorry if it gets long or complicated, although I'll try to keep it simple, this is kinda hard for me to write.
Well, I guess I've always been a pretty cheerful person, most of the time. Both on AJ and in real life, I tried to be alway happy. Well, I had my bad days, like everyone. Whenever I heard someone talk about anxiety or depression, I'd think: "Wow, that must be hard. But why can't just people be happy all the time?"
Yes, Old MCB, that would great, but sometimes you just can't help being sad. Sometime it's just feeling low for a while, but sometimes sadness lasts much longer and can come with another bunch of emotions and problems. Sometimes you simply don't know why you feel that way. That is ok. (Although most of the time there are reasons, even if you find it hard to identify them.) But sometimes, an event or a series of events in your life can cause them. That is what happened to me.
Well, I think none of you, wether you know me from AJ or not, know this, but when I was nine years old (I'm fourteen now. Wow, time flies) my mother got diagnosed with a brain tumour. In case you don't know what a tumour is, its sort of a lump that forms when the balance of cell death and growth is disturbed. It can be benign, in which case it is almost always removed and causes little or no trouble, or it can be malignant (cancerous.) (I'm sorry if I'm not getting the medical details right.)
The one my mother had was cancerous, and although I didn't know at the time, it was one of the most aggressive brain tumours that you can get, it had already grown quite a lot, and the average time of survival for it was about a year and a half.
I obviously was too young to understand all this. I'm not going to go into much detail about the following years, but just so you get the idea, she had surgery twice, relapsed three times and had radiotherapy and chemotherapy more times that I can count. 
And I'll have you know, she is the strongest person I have ever met. Knowing how serious it all actually was, she managed to keep a smile on her face, be optimistic and make sure me and my two siblings were happy and hopeful too. How somebody can manage to do that with the terrible weight of having cancer, I will never know, but I am so grateful to her for making those years as normal and as happy as possible for my family.
But unfortunately, fighting cancer doesn't entirely depend on willpower and optimism. (Although believe me, it plays a HUGE part and even when you think there's no hope, you need to stay optimistic. This applies to any illness or hardship in life.) Sadly, sometime around October 2014 we found out that the tumour had yet again returned. I remember that was the time when I actually realised how serious the situation was. According to my parents, she had to have some really strong chemotherapy and it was pretty much our last hope.
From that day onwards, things started to get really tough. The tumour was starting to affect her brain, and it prevented her arms and legs from working properly. Believe me, it's heartbreaking to see the strongest person you know, the one who has always protected you, so weak and helpless. First it was falling over in unexpected moments, then having to use a wheelchair...
Things kept on like that for a few months. And they got worse. She started losing weight, and the tumour was affecting her brain in a terribly scary way. I can't give details because I don't know how the brain works, but by spreading to different areas, her memory and even her mood were affected. I remember coming home from school and seeing her crying violently for long periods of time, something she'd never done in front of me and my siblings before. I just couldn't believe that was my mom, the bravest person ever. But of course, it wasn't her fault. It was even worse when she started losing her memory. She'd forget things the doctors had said, and I'll never remember the time when she asked me if I'd had fun skateboarding with my friends. I was too shocked to tell her that I don't skate and it was my sister the one who'd been out with her friends.
And one day, in April, my father told me what I subconsciously knew but didn't want to admit: She was terminal. That was the worst day of my life. I can't use words to describe how I felt. It was as if I'd never be happy again. Everything was completely upside down. For the following days, I must admit I cried myself to sleep. Everything that I'd always enjoy seemed totally worthless. Writing, drawing, playing guitar, soccer, mucking around at school with my friends, school itself... Nothing felt worth doing and all I could do i was stand around like a ghost.
As you might imagine, the following month was horrible. I simply couldn't accept that my mother was dying. It seemed unreal. Paramedics in and out of the house all the time, visitors, the house full of medicine and things for disabled people... Even worse was when my father tried to tell my mother what was going to happen. She obviously was shocked and terrified, but because she was having trouble with her memory she forgot and when she was told again she had to go through it again. I think nobody should have to die like that. I remember my father telling us at random moments that he'd told her again, and she wanted to see us. I was sad and anxious all the time, and I couldn't stand having no news about her while I was at school so I'd sneak out my phone out in class (something I'd never done before) to ask my father how she was. But after a few weeks she seemed to be at peace with it. Another week, and she seemed to be in some sort of coma. A few days more, and she died peacefully, without pain, with my father next to her, on a quiet Saturday morning,
I cannot put into words the feeling that you get when you see the woman that has brought you to this world dead. I knew she hadn't been herself those last weeks, and the corpse looked impossibly thin and weak. Of course, that whole weekend was crazy. I had more text messages that I've ever had, from people who I hadn't spoken with in years, saying they were sorry. I don't want to go into details about those days.
So now it has been about six months since my mother died. Yes, I thought that was something that could only happen to Anyone Else. But of course, I'm Anyone Else for Everyone Else. But that doesn't mean they don't care. It's unbelievable how much support and kindness my family has received from friends, relatives and just everyone.
So yes, this is today's lesson: Remember, anything can happen to anyone, anytime. But if it happens to be you, wether it's something good or bad people will support you, and of course, you will support anyone else who needs it (hopefully). 
And I just want you to know: My mother, whose name I can't put here because of privacy reasons, was and amazing woman, always strong, optimistic and ready to help. She is probably the most genuinely good person I've met, and she will never be forgotten. You, reading this, probably never knew her and sadly never will, but still I want you to know that.
I suppose I'm alright now. It's been a really tough two years, but thanks to my friends and family I'm okay. Of course, it still affects me a lot. Somehow my concentration is suffering a lot, both at school and just doing ordinary stuff, and I've had and still have anxiety, which in my case has mostly been hypochondriasis or illness anxiety disorder.
But that's another story.

Well, this blog has been pretty inactive, but I guess I'm still gonna post this. And whoever you are: Remember every day is a gift and you should enjoy it. Help and support people and let them help and support you. After all, you might not know what to do about things that happen to Anyone Else, but to them anything that happens and any act of kindness means the world. And remember: You are Anyone Else too, but that doesn't mean you are worse than others.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and thanks in advance for supporting Anyone Else, because it is also me, and you, and everyone, wether you know them or not.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

That Nostalgic Feeling

I'm not gonna lie; Animal Jam was a major part of my life.
And when I say major, I mean I've-grown-up-with-it-and-wasted-five-years-of-my-life-playing-it major.

Hey, Jammers! It's Despare back on, and I don't think I'll be doing a lot more posting. I'll check up on this once in a while, but my new school (I'm in High School now) is an hour away from my house, and I have to wake up 4 AM and they're very academically advanced so I have to up my standards. I don't think I'll be able to write--maybe during the holidays and a once-in-a-while kind of post. 

I've left Animal Jam--some for long months, others for merely days; and I've come to realize that as my life grows on and my seemingly young and free self whose attention was only on AJ is starting to disappear that Animal Jam has played a rather big role in my life.

I'm not joking when I say I've played AJ for almost 5 years--I've been with them since late 2010. I remember it almost so clearly; the bored 7 year old girl in front of her laptop thinking, why does Club Penguin suck so much? I remember typing in answers.wiki or something like that, free internet games like Club Penguin, and the two words, Animal Jam captivated my 7 year old eyes and made me click on it. I wandered aimlessly around the home page; looking at the old parent dashboards and log in page. I still remember the old loading pages--it was just a rotating earth on a yellow background. There was no Appondale, no oceans--it all comes to me in this nostalgic feeling you get when writing about the past that has affected you so much.

It feels all so weird, seeing how different my past is as to my present; seeing that all my friends being changed by rares; seeing spikes go out through jam-a-grams and legend gloves being one of the most appraised things in Jamaa; then adventures being released and legend gloves put on stores. There are days when I want to shout at AJHQ, NO! NO, YOU'RE MAKING AJ EVEN WORSE! 
But then there are days when I would smile at my screen, thinking with a great feeling in my chest, You did the right thing, AJHQ.

But what I would like to share to you right now is that you shouldn't be cringing about the days of Jamaa--you should be happy. I'm sure that growing up with Animal Jam we've all learned important life lessons. We forget that sometimes humans want satisfaction; and I know as I scroll through all the posts I've written that I've learned so many things from Animal Jam. I've learned how to truly see people; not for the way they look or for how much money they have. I've given lots of people chances to become friends with me. Whether you like it or not, Animal Jam has changed you--for better or for worse, it is up to you to decide.

I'd just like to remind you guys that that nostalgic feeling that you guys occasionally have is beautiful. Reliving the past with a sparkle in your eye--it is amazing. Be proud of your Jamaasian heritage. Be proud that Animal Jam was a part of your life--for somehow, no matter how little or how big, it has changed you.

Also, is anyone of contact with Breathless? I would like to talk to her about the blog. Thank you <33

Monday, July 6, 2015

Hey, Look, Listen! [Lessons of Jamaa No. Whatever]

*Rolling around Hyrule Field* "Hey!"
*Climbing up Death Mountain* "Look!"
*Diving in Zora's Fountain* "Listen!"
Every Ocarina of Time player: OH JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!

If you've played Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, you know what I mean. She's your annoying companion that tells you the most useless things. Especially in boss battles. (Navi: "I'll help you this time, Link!" *Z-Targets Ganon* *C-Up* Navi: "I really don't know his weakness...") I realized lately that Navi is that annoying feeling you get a lot. Those cringe attacks you really don't want. That annoying feeling of guilt that you had since forever. Those things.

So hey, it's me Despare back on, and I have been playing Zelda and watching Doctor Who, neglecting the fact that I still have like two seasons of Code Geass to watch and fourteen days left of summer 'til school starts. This post is just gonna be a short little Lessons of Jamaa because I haven't written them in a while, and due to the fact that I really need to write something to tell you guys I'm still alive. So yeah, hi, I'm still alive but I quit Animal Jam. Woohoo *enter confetti thrower thingamabobs here*

Let's say you've just scammed someone, or did a bad thing to a group. Maybe even just teased a little boy from your street. Right now, you feel fine, doing whatever you're doing, then suddenly a thought appears in your mind making you reminisce a sense of guilt unwanted. It's that irrational bubble of scenes that you think might happen because of what you did. Someone would turn their back against you, accuse you of scamming or doing a bad thing to someone, and you would have to cower behind your computer screen or just simply gulp and panic inside while an adult intently stares at you, asking what you've done. And that's Navi--because heaven knows that you are not comfortable with doing whatever you did. Navi is your irrational thought bubble that conjures up things unwanted--let's say an embarrassing moment from your childhood or a feeling of guilt and/or cringe--and you want nothing more than for it to shut up. Because let's face it--whether you be just doing your normal routine of your day or making history, a memory is going to erupt out of Navi and haunt you like crazy, making you flinch and act differently and you might even want to slam your head against the wall because of how irrational and insensible you were back then. And I know that from first-hand experience.

Let me just say, hey, look, listen.
Because Navi is not just that irrational thought bubble--it's your gut. And you should trust your gut. (Although if you're in a life and death situation don't trust your gut because that's the leading reason for fatalities. It never works. So if you're stuck in a life or death situation, just relax and think it through. Unless you have five seconds or less to make your choice, if that happens just trust your gut.) I know this might not make any sense or any connection to Animal Jam whatsoever, but if you think about it, it does. When you scam someone, there's always that small voice regretting and thinking, you shouldn't have done that (IT'S NOT BEN_DROWNED IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING) and you just feel so guilty, and you just wave that guilt off because you scammed, and cheaters in movies and novels never feel guilty, they only feel victorious.
But look, be guilty, because instead of giving someone a happy day, you just ruined it for them, and that's not cool. I know you've been scammed or hacked or tricked or teased/bullied, and I know that's not a good feeling, but being the one to scam/hack/trick/tease/bully isn't a good feeling either, because it's bad and Navi will not continue to shut up about it. It will be guilt now, and three years it will be a cringe attack. You do not want that. So if you want that guilt off your chest, listen to Navi and do something. If you can't remember who you scammed, give whatever you scammed to someone who deserves it, like a friend, or maybe just a random jammer you want to help. If you've teased or bullied someone, go straight up to them and say sorry, because I tell you, three years from now you're gonna look back and smile, because you know you've looked and listened, and you're gonna pat your own shoulder and say, thanks Navi, because once in a while, Navi does sprout good, nice information that does help you. And then you will look out your window with a warm cup of chocolate or tea or coffee or whatever you like to drink on your hand and say thank you to me and your subconsciousness.

So if you ever do have that feeling of guilt or cringe, you better look and listen, because you never know when Navi's gonna save your life; whether it be in Zelda: OoT or in reality.

//on a side note, here's a picture of my Doctor Who OTP, TenRose. If you ship them/watch Doctor Who as well, please say so down in the comments and maybe we can probably fangirl together, but NO SPOILERS I'M JUST IN SERIES THREE EPISODE TEN

//Also if you have good tenrose fanfictions please link them down below, I really need fanfics right now. It doesn't matter what site, whether it be tumblr, wattpad, fanfic.net, or archive of our own/ao3, just link it down below because I really really really am in desperate need of some nice fanfics and a warm cup of chocolate.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Overtaken (An Animal Jam Poem)

Guys, I really need to know if you're alive and reading...I want people to comment once in a while, even just saying Hi or Hey you're posting again so that I know there are still active readers. So, yeah. Anyways, hey Jammers, it's Despare again! Today I'm doing a poem called "Overtaken" Inspired by the photo at the left made by the wonderful Rainbow Charizard from DeviantArt! Click here to go to the post. I really like the artwork over there and I decided to make a poem out of it. So, let's do this.

Overtaken - an Animal Jam inspired poem

A journey through the online sea
Of pixels and people awaits me
I log in through my browser and
See I've landed in a place of sand.
I click to the left, I move to the right,
Trade with passion all through the night,
At last--I've gotten the items I've sought for,
And this made me want even more.
Headdresses, spikes, beta blankets,
Glitched tiaras and turquoise rings I've wanted;
And each day I'd walk into my room;
Log in and not know I was waiting for my doom.
 Some days I wouldn't go outside;
I'd stay up all night inside,
And with each piece of item successfully traded
I didn't know that I was getting a bargain;
For with every trade accepted,
Comes with greed unwanted.
Overtaken by rares I did not know;
In my social life; it started to show;
I'd twitch when I'm away from my game;
And my life was really never the same.
All that mattered to me was the sense of satisfaction;
My life was a living hell; this was a perfect distraction,
I'd went as far as hacking and scamming,
Ridding the happiness of kids that used to be smiling.
And then one day someone told me something I've never realized,
"You've hurt so many people; don't you know they've tried?
"Each little pixel, they've worked for all;
"And you just came in their life and watched them fall?!"
That night when I slept, I started thinking,
And then that night, I really started looking
At myself from a third persons view,
Oh no, I thought, all these nightmares came true?
I've been overtaken by pixels that were never real;
I didn't work; I cheated, I never did feel;
Suddenly a revelation came from a thought;
And the truth of these rares I have never sought.
Maybe it was wrong for me to let the sea
of pixels and demons drown me,
Overtaken only by the happiness I've wanted,
But never really owned it.

Well, so that's it, I hope you guys enjoyed that, and see you in the next post! Bye!

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